Cant tink of any word to describe my feelings now... so many things have happened for the past one wk... i begin to tink... whether what I've been believing... the kind of love tat i've been in... even existed... certain things are better to be inferred then spelled out...

someone told me tat 80% of the guys cheat... and the remaining 20% are idiots & nerds... or are still kids... haha... can i ever tolerate a guy who cheats on me??? My ans has always been "NO"... but now... i begin to wonder... which guy don't cheat??? even married men &... even gals cheat... what's wrong with cheating nowadays??? i'm born in this kind of world... can i just accept the fact???

a lot of things has happened... ever since i turned 20... is this what ppl always named as "turning pt in life"... what has become of me? someone who no longer has firm stand on my own... everything goes along with me heart... sometimes irrational... sometimes insensible... most of the time... im being classified as... STUPID!!!

I've always know myself very well... ever since im sensible... i've been very self-conscious... i noe very well what im doing... but now... i dun even noe what i really want... needless to say noe what im doing... i dun wanna do things on impluse... nor do i wanna regret what i've did or didnt do... so i've choosen to remain as stagnant... close one eye & pretend tat nth has happen... is that the real me??? i duno!!! but the old me is definitely not like this... have i seen enough of this world? to choose to accept the reality... i hate to admit... but i've choosen a path that i'll nv choose if im any younger... have i grown up??? or just sick & tired of the old me...

the old me... will nv choose to drop a tear in front of anyone... but its so difficult to do that now... becoz i'm sick of trying to be brave in front of everyone... or i've found someone who can lend me his shoulders to cry on... a strong arms to lean on when im sad... i choose to display my weakness in front of him... cant bear to leave him... so i choose to remain stagnant... i dont wish to disrupt my usual life... the kind of life tat everyone tot was so wonderful... but things always appear to be wonderful on the outside... who ever has the chance to see deep in... how bad things are... or who is even willing to show the bad things on front of other ppl... man are weird creatures... who just wont admit defeat... even thou' deep inside... i've already defeated myself... my heart will always rulz the brain... have i become less courageous???

it just dun feel gd... to keep on waiting... waiting for things to happen... what things am i even waiting for??? im realli confused!!!

u may not understand what im trying to say... becoz even i myself... is not sure of what i wanna say... life still goes on as normal... maybe i duno how to cheat ppl... but i noe... for very sure... i noe how to cheat myself!!!

 - Feed her Sugar....# ;

A life is a unique thing... its given by god... you cant choose to be born in which family... everything is sort of fated... but i believe u can control ur fate.. fate lies in ur own hands...

for one moment... i feel like having a baby... i guess most gals wanna have their own babies... i used to dislike kids... becoz last time my niece came to my hse & create a big hula... my hse becomes so chaotic... & when she went home... i've got to clear up the mess... eeks... tiring thing... must entertain her... play with her... & clear all the shit after she left... tats y im so scared tat she comes my hse... use markers to draw on every single thing she can found... including my beloved hello kitty soft toy tat has been with me since pri 6... itchy hands child...

went to grandma hse last fri... saw my baby cousin... she's soooooooooooo cute... i guess all babies are cute... and all parents love their babies... my baby cousin is a premature baby... heard tat she's real small when she's out of her mum's womb... now... after a mth... she's abt 3kg... which is abt my wt when i was born...

everything abt her is sooooooooooo small... small hands... small legs... small eyes at are forever close... coz she slps & slp... i guess baby needs a lot of slp... just like me... im still a sleepy baby... hehe... after 20 yrs... im still as dreamy!!!

i noe it requires a lot of time & effort to bring up a child... next time... my child will be a xin fu baby... i wanna give my child everything tat i don't have... everything tat my parents are not able to provide for me... & watever tat my parents give me... i'll give my child twice as much... my child shall have the best of everything... i may be thinking too far... but its my goal to set up my own family... tat's why im studying so hard... not just for my own future... but me & dear's future... & my children's future... my future family... i dun wanna rely on other ppl...

 - Feed her Sugar....# ;

didnt have time & mood to update...

went to shi han's mum's wake last sun... with jinli... stupid jinli went JB till so late den come back... was quite scared... coz its the 1st time tat i went to a fren's relative's wake... always nv go becoz mummy dun allow me to go... my mum is the very superstitious kind who tinks tat i shdnt attend wakes... i duno why... maybe coz she tinks tat im too young... but to me... its a kind of courtesy... duno if im using the right word... but i tink i shd go this time... so i insisted... & maybe mummy tinks tat im old enuff to noe what im doing...

life is so vulnerable... anyone can die anytime anywhere... of coz everyone hopes to have longevity... but there's so many viruses... so many diseases in the world... they can attack anyone... no one can escape death...

i tink shi han is a strong gal... she looks okay when me & jinli went... guess maybe its been a few days... so she seems alright...

 - Feed her Sugar....# ;

coffee design... so pretty... wonder how it taste like... 

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dreamy baby!!! wake up...  

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my baby cousin-angel 

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Hungry but dun feel like eating... only ate sweets the whole day... ate 2 slices of bread for breakfast... dun feel very well... feel tired too... hai~ y am i so gloomy??? i shd be happy becoz i skipped the classes today... suppose to end sch at 8.30pm... but i self declared sch ends at 12.30pm... meet the insurance agent to talk abt savings plan... he realli can talk sia... went on & on for 1.5hrs w/o drinking water... & w/o stopping!!! im already super tired... still have to strain myself to listen to him...

thanx to everyone's ghost stories... and its the 7th mth now... and fm93.3 always got ppl call in tok abt ghost stories... its making me scared... & dear's not helping loh... always try to scare me... & i always felt tat there's sth in my rm... m i scaring myself??? had a weird dream last wk... & ive been pondering over the dream...

dreamt tat i was on a cab... forgot where im heading le... was travelling in a terrace estate... guess im looking for a hse... but somehow the cab just brings me back to the same place... & travelled on the same road over & over again... so i passed by the same place... same stretch of hses over & over again... maybe abt 5 or 6 times... rmb i ask the cab driver if he realli noes the place... he told me tat we're reaching soon... but he still brings me back to the same place... heading towards the same direction... we cant seem to find the location... & there's no way out... just like a loop... im begin to feel scared... wanted to get out of the area... but i just cant... coz the one driving is not me... anyway i struggled to get out of the place... somehow i noe im dreaming... so i struggled to wake up... to get out of this nv ending dream... but there seems to be sth stopping me from waking up... nv had this encounter before... anyway... after sometime... i finalli managed to get out of the dream... but the scenes are still flashing in my mind... cant seem to shake tat off... couldnt realli get back to slp after tat... and till now... i still dun dare to slp... i will wake up every 15-30 min... n have to slp very late at night... read story books like 3am... until im tired... n hopefully i can slp thru the nite... w/o waking up... but i tink i've got an automated system to wake up at 6.30am...thou' most of the time i need to wake up at 6.45am or even dun have to wake up for sch...

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I tink love is a very wonderful & strange thing... Someone once asked me... why am I so sure that I love dear & how sure am I that this is called love? I am only 20 yrs old... How much do I noe abt love? and what is my definition of love?

Jinli called me yesterday... chatted with him during my lunch break... coz he saw jer at marina... & he realise tat jer changed no. So he's feeling a bit bitter... but now... he has his own life... jer has his own life too... why shd we always look back at the past? Shdnt we look forward into the future???

Loving someone means seeing that he's happy, u'll be happy... at whatever expenses... jinli told me he scrimpt & saved $180 just to buy a pair of rings for his date... purposely travel for one hr to sembawang to give his date little surprises... he has nv do these things to anyone b4... Is this what ppl call "true love"... reminds of myself... & dear... When I saw sth tat i liked... but i tink its too ex... i will hestitate to buy... but if dear saw sth that he likes... but he tinks its too ex & hesitate to buy... I will buy it for him... if its within my ability... & im sure he feels the same towards me... this is why ppl always say i'm a xin fu de xiao nu ren...

went shopping with dear yesterday at bugis village... been wanting to get him a bracelet... i shall admit tat im realli a xiao nu ren who cannot tolerate my bf still wearing a bracelet given by his ex... & i duno why he only start wearing it recently... i dun wish to tink too much... i kept away whatever things that my ex(s) gave me... but i noe dear still have quite a bit of things that are hers or given by her... or shd i say... theirs... But still... i want to buy him a new bracelet... i duno if he'll still wear "her" bracelet... of coz he can still choose to wear it... i will not make much noise... i'll even clean & polish it for him... like what i've done previously... but he seems to noe tat i didnt like it... & he actualli exposed me... argh... he knew tat i wanted to buy a bracelet for him becoz i didnt like him wearing the old one... saw this bangle tat is quite nice... and it suits dear... thou' its a bit plain... but it fits nicely one him... haha... im using the bangle to "tao4" him... see if he can still escape from my hands!!! & i've even use my "tao3 jia4 huan2 jia4" skills... to get the boss of the shop to give me a lifetime membership card... so proud of myself!!! anyway... his accessories are quite unique... from korea... reasonable price... planning to frequent him more often...

 - Feed her Sugar....# ;

Singapore's 40th b'day... but i still need to go to sch... sob sob... coz MSE day is on wed... so need to go back on tue to do the preparation... who the hell choose MSE day to be on 10th Aug??? argh!!!anyway i decided not to go... coz i took my goodie bags... so heavy... with lots of rubbish... didnt they differentiate btw gals & guys goodie bags like last yr... why did they wanna give guys those gals thingys... give guys condoms instead... cop tampons & panty liners from melvin... coz i tink he dun needs them... does he??? hahaha...

talking abt condoms... just chatted with zhan yuin... she logged off to study already... but she was telling me what happen when she was working as intern at guardian as pharmacist... she is not realli the pharmacist... just like a showcase salesgal... answering ppl's stupid enquiries... like tongkat ali... cosmetics... and even condoms... she rmb got this customer who asked her if there's non-latex condoms... & she needs to call the condom company to ask if they produce such products... lucky guardian only carrys 2 brands of condom... durex &... the other one she didnt tell me... but i found out tat there's realli non-latex condoms... coz some ppl are allergic to latex... but they are not avail in sg... made of animal skins... pig skins??? Eeks... disgusting!!!

went to NDP carnival at Tampines on National Day... Fiona Xie & Vincent Ng were there... but i cant see them la... so far... & i even had to stand on the chair in order to see the stage... but still... cant see whats on the stage... tink the big screen is much better... at least i saw fiona xie's face... haha... the fireworks were great... much better than marina south one... tink maybe the 3/4 of tampines, bedok, hougang, pasir ris... etc... all the east ppl are there... and the traffic is damn shitty... they block off the road tat leads to my place... so my bus goes one big round... and it jams... i took 45 min to reach home... can anyone believe it... i shd have walked home instead... but dear dun wanna pei me walk...

 - Feed her Sugar....# ;

This yr is Singapore's 40th b'day... so celebrations for this yr seems extremely big... with neighbourhood Carnivals at estates such as Tampines & Yishun & NDP Carnival at the marina south from yesterday till 14 aug... there's food... bazaar... heritage exhibition... sports cars exhibitions from singapore motor association... the cars are so cool!!! wish i'm the one driving them... but fat hope for me... cant even drive a normal car... how to drive sports car & run on the roads??? day dreaming!!! hee!!!

went with dear for the NDP Carnival opening ceremony at marina southyesterday... there's fireworks,,, army tanks... parachuters... low-flying aircraft... and the president S.R. Nathan is there too... Sg idol Taufik... & Rui En... FM 93.3 DJ pei fen... etc... heard tat even zhou hua jian is there... but we didnt stay for the whole show... we left after the fireworks... which ends at 8.30... took quite a no. of photos... im like a tourist who just cant stop taking photos... hehe... but of coz the photos are of certain standards... BHB!!! Bleah!!!

met jinli at the carnival... he's one of the drivers for the army vehicles tat public can hop onto it and go one round the area... he needs to pack up his stuffs... and wait for dinner & dismissal... so didnt realli tok... haha... in fact we tok more on our hp... its been so long since i last saw him in his army uniform... not too bad... compared to the previous time when i saw him... he was still botak...

meaningful sat i had... sweat the most... walked the most... tok the most... take the most photos... haha... whatever... enjoyed myself... as long as dear's with me... everything's nice... when its gg home time... there are so many ppl tat we decided not to take the bus... sometimes... some walking is gd for health... haha... since we are already so sticky... we walked from marina south to tanjong pagar... & on the mp3 on dear's hp... listen while we walk... thou' my legs are gg to break but i dun mind walking forever with dear beside me...

we drank so much water coz the weather is so hot... & we perspire so much... until we both had weird feelings in our stomach... im hungry... but like not so hungry... feel bloated with so much water in my stomach... but i need food to replenish my energy... wat kind of food can realli absorb the water in my stomach... is this call water retention???

 - Feed her Sugar....# ;

Fireworks!!! Bom Bom Bom!!! 

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How to deal with Terrorist Attack!!! 

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Parachuters... "Civil Defence" 

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Blackies!!! Black Car with Black Man...  

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Cool Sports Car with Cool Model... and tats me!!! 

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Nice necklace cum belt...  

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dear bought wallets too... one for meijun & one for me... 

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Bag that dear bought for me from bangkok... 

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went to john pizzarelli's jazz concert at the esplanade on sun... The concert is very nice... thou' i dun realli appreciate jazz... but since its a free ticket... so just go loh... anyway the tic cost $118... so its a must to go... too bad dear went to bangkok... if not he'll love it... there's only one word to describe it... FANTASTIC!!! realli enjoy it!!!

Meet Meijun, chin swee & joyce for dinner at 5.30pm... but was late... haha... im still at home at 5.30pm... hehe... ask them to go ahead 1st... but im not the latest... not much appetite... ate a mudpie from NYDC... yummy!!! i still tink NYDC serve the best mudpie... 1st time i finish one whole mudpie by myself... sinful!!!

Dear's back from bangkok... yuppie... he promised to call me everyday... but he didnt call me on sun... argh!!! but glad he's back... realli miss him a lot!!! he didnt buy necklace for me... he says he didnt have the chance to go & see becoz he went with his family... so not easy to shop for things... but i still got it!!! i bought in at jurong pt at $6.90... saw it at the Esplanade... they are selling at $15 if i rmb correctly... best buy that i got it at $6.90... hehe... yeah!!! anyway, tink dear bought a lot of other stuffs for me...

meet jinli last night for bubble tea... its been so long since i last saw him... the day hong xuan left sg... went to get pressie tog... but didnt realli talk much coz need to ruch to airport to fetch dear... he dun have to book in last nite... so we meet up to drink our fav. milo ice blend w/o pearl... haha... rmb the days when we used to drink milo ice blend everyday... haha.... everything seems so nice... and he was with jer at tat time... thou' i still hope to see them tog... but its impossible now... hai~~~ sad sad... anyway we chatted for quite sometime... from 8.45-11.15pm... chat abt our future... what are we gg to do when we grow up... by the age of 28... we must at least be earning $3k... is tat possible??? still so many yrs to go... tink so much for what??? we went blk 201 pasar malam... ate cheese hotdogs & fish keropok... hehe!!!

Meijun is not in sch again... sob sob... only left me & hwee ying... cant imagine how am i gg to survive w/o hwee ying... it will be so damn bored... its raining outside... and im in the library now... so cooling day... imagining myself sleeping under my blanket on my cosy bed in my cosy rm~~~ STOP DAYDREAMING!!! WAKE UP FOR CLASS!!! *give myself a knock*

 - Feed her Sugar....# ;